Pandemonium erupted at Alligator Alcatraz Friday morning when riotous detainees, all illegal aliens, hurled cups of urine at staff and punched an EMT responding to an alleged medical emergency in a cell housing three Honduran males. It’s unclear why the EMT entered the cage before guards restrained the prisoners, but he got pummeled into submission and was held hostage as the unit’s 63 detainees rattled doors and demanded immediate freedom. The medical crisis turned out to be a hoax, a man feigning a heart attack, and guards tased the Honduran maggots before they could injure the EMT.
No sooner had the story made news than the MSM, in typical fashion, distorted reality, claiming Alligator Alcatraz’s guards beat the living daylights out of detainees brutally and indiscriminately. Our sources, however, tell a different story: Guards responded with measured force, subduing and isolating violent malcontents decrying their justified captivity. The guards, sources said, teargassed and clubbed detainees only after they threw a dozen cups of piss at staff and encouraged fellow inmates to rebel. Staff eventually suppressed the uprising and restored order.
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Alligator Alcatraz has been engulfed in a swirl of controversy. The riot occurred a week after U.S. District Judge Kathleen Williams issued a preliminary injunction ordering the facility to be shut down within 60 days. Her decision, she’d said, was primarily based on complaints from conservationists claiming the state of Florida had not authored an environmental impact report prior to opening Alligator Alcatraz. A coalition of environmental groups and the Miccosukee Tribe of Florida argued that Alligator Alcatraz violated environmental laws and would extirpate Florida panthers, an indigenous species to the Everglades.
President Trump has said the Supreme Court will decide the fate of Alligator Alcatraz.
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“We’re hopeful it’ll stay open,” our source said. “Stories about abuse and starving detainees are just total bullshit. In fact, they get better treatment than they deserve, medical, full meals, calls to family and lawyers—and, yeah, as soon as they get on the phone with their spouses, children, and lawyers, they’re screaming mistreatment. It’s hogwash.”
In the unlikely event the Supreme Court upholds Williams’ ruling, the detainees at Alligator Alcatraz will wish they’d kept their mouths shut upon arriving at the DHS’s new internment camp at Fort Bliss, Texas, our source said.
“If they think it’s bad in Florida, wait’ll they get to El Paso—they’re in for a rude surprise,” he said.
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