Saturday, June 28, 2025

Red Hat Strike Team Vanishes During Failed Bid to Destroy CERN

By Michael Baxter

Twelve Red Hats last month vanished mysteriously during a failed bid to assault and destroy the CERN supercollider that sits astride the French-Swizz border near Geneva.

Why attack CERN? Deep State physicists have recently upgraded the hadron collider and intend to harness its power to create temporal incursions—rewrite history so that Donald J. Trump either was never born or never becomes president of the United States, a Red Hat source told Real Raw News.

CERN conspiracy theories predate the modern internet. Built between 1998-2008, CERN was one of Europe’s first joint ventures and is now overseen by European Organization for Nuclear Research’s 23 member states. Tales of evil scientists concentrating CERN’s energy to open gateways to nightmarish dimensions crawling with fiendish beats have been circulating online since the days of message forums. Equally numerous were stories of amorphous, tentacled monsters stepping through the portal and mutilating the scientists who had opened it, sometimes dragging disembodied remains back to their reality before the portal closed.

“Fables aren’t always false,” our source said. “We knocked out one collider already, and CERN has to go, too.”

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The “one” refers to a story we covered in April 2024; Red Hats discovered and demolished an underground Deep State hadron collider in New Jersey, only a few miles from Trump’s Bedminster estate. Its destruction accidentally triggered a magnitude 4.6 earthquake that rattled the Tristate area.

“The devices, they’re intrinsically evil,” our source said. “You’re worried about protesters; our concerns are global. These maniacs want to corrupt time—they hate Trump that much. Even hate’s not a strong enough word.

According to him, Colonel Kurtz, the Red Hats’ enigmatic leader, learned from an unnamed source that a senior CERN Director for Accelerators and Technology, Michael Lamant, a British theoretical physicist, tasked subordinates with figuring out whether the collider’s METHUSULA upgrade could perforate and amend the timeline, specifically to avert Trump’s rise to power.

On paper, METHUSLA is merely an air chamber surrounded by banks of particle detectors that aim to spot long-lived particles that slip past existing detectors, potentially unlocking physics beyond the known universe. Our source said METHUSLA—a biblical reference to the oldest person who ever lived, 969 years old—has turbocharged CERN to the point it can tear holes in the fabric of reality.

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What vendetta Lamant has against Trump is a mystery, as, per our research, he had never spoken to or had contact with the president, or mentioned Trump’s name anywhere.

Our source’s explanation: “The president’s true enemies don’t publicly reveal themselves. They lurk in shadow.”

He could not support his claim scientifically but said, “Our intelligence is infallible. The mad scientist Lamant, anyone working for him, and that device must be destroyed. METHUSLA amplifies CERN’s power a hundred-fold. It’s evil, and its operators are evil personified. A sect—a cult that prays to CERN before switching it on. If the colonel says it should be destroyed, it should be destroyed. He’s seldom wrong. You’re panicking about nukes in Iran? Nukes are like a B.B. gun compared to the power of CERN.”

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In early May, he went on, Kurtz resolved to obliterate CERN and kill its controllers. He recruited combat veterans from his ranks, all volunteers, who understood with crystal clarity that their journey could be a one-way trip. On May 14, a 12-man strike team flew commercially from the US to Geneva, after Kurtz had brokered a deal with an international arms merchant to supply his forces with weapons in Switzerland. The transaction, our source said, culminated as planned, and the assault team acquired personal firearms and enough explosives to annihilate not only the collider but also the entire compound.

On May 16, the team’s leader phoned Kurtz, saying the team had reached Collex-Bossy, a municipality in Switzerland, beneath which stretched CERN’s 27-kilometer ring of superconducting magnets, and would infiltrate the structure, place explosives, and remotely detonate them once the team had egressed the area. Kurtz, our source said, approved the strike and told his men, “Godspeed.”

“We waited patiently and watched the news, waiting to hear that a massive explosion took out CERN. But nothing. Our guys—they should’ve contacted the colonel if the mission succeeded or failed. We heard nothing. No phone or radio contact. It’s now been a month they’ve been missing in action, and we assume they were killed in action—that, you know, maybe, the CERN fortress was better guarded than we’d anticipated. Our guys are history, METHUSLA is still alive, but that don’t mean we’re giving up,” our source said in closing.

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Helena Carey
Helena Carey
Helena Carey is a seasoned news author renowned for her engaging storytelling and insightful analysis. With a decade of journalism experience, she's a trusted voice in the ever-evolving news landscape.

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